Comparison: The Killjoy of Self-Appreciation

In the middle of the night, I woke worried.

It seemed urgently important to identify what I appreciated about myself.

So I pondered, as only one can in the wee hours, and came up with something small.

I like water.

I appreciate that I drink and prefer water.

While my standard food choices are generally out of whack, my water intake seldom is.

So with that discovery, I settled back into the pillow, feeling good about this small acknowledgment I’d permitted myself.

Self-Appreciation

Self-appreciation and liking yourself go hand-in-hand. Both ask us to shift our attention from knee-jerk self-criticism to beaming light on the ways we show up for ourselves, for others, and for causes we care about.

Research at HeartMath® Institute shows that we are much more efficient, creative, and loving people when we’re experiencing feelings that renew us — like appreciation. And when we’re truly experiencing appreciation, our joy to pain ratio goes up. Way, way up.

Yet most of us find it hard to appreciate ourselves for very long because that old killjoy called comparison steps in and, like a parent chaperoning a slow dance, halts all moves toward expressions of love.

Living in Comparison

Like many of us, I live with a steady rumble of comparisons.

• My age versus a younger woman’s.
• My mobility versus someone wildly more physically active.
• My totally replaced ankle compared to others who had the surgery. Are they doing better than me . . .?
• My weight to leaner women and the discipline or genes that keep them slim.
• My technology skills to all these techno geeks who automagically sail through integrations and upgrades.
• My greying hair, “mousy” according to the beautician who last evaluated it, compared to my friend Shiela who has dramatic blacks and whites
• I wonder whether my age lines and wrinkles are less or more noticeable than someone else my age.
• Which for the record is 63.
• How much do I earn compared to what I think I should be making?
• Did I teach my children adequate social skills compared to what my friend
  Cindy showed her kids?
• And if I’m really honest, compared to Sheila, my business (which is me) is deeply underperforming. Damn Sheila.

Women Have Mastered Comparison

Women are practiced at habits of comparison.

We compare our looks to other women, our weight, our bottoms and busts, our partners’ emotional depths and household roles, our children’s achievements in school, activities, sports, then colleges, and eventually the jobs they get.

I once had a parent tell me her daughter was the most advanced French language high school student in the country.

Hands down, she wins the parent comparison award.

We compare our houses and lawns, our ability to take lavish vacations, and the wines and whiskeys in our stocks.

If we’re introverted, we compare ourselves to extroverts. If we are opinionated and assertive we wonder if we’re “too much” compared to other women. If our child has medical issues, we compare him to healthy children. And if she is VERY sick, we may compare her to less sick children — the lucky ones.

With endless possibilities for comparison it seems we’re destined to lives of disappointment and boundless self-criticism.

Kindness Pointed Inward

But there’s hope.

Comparison recedes when we focus on what’s right. Right here. Right now. The beautiful being in the mirror looking back into our eyes.

The antidote to comparison is simple if not easy: Let that understated little voice of inward-pointing kindness be heard. The one that gets pushed down, ignored and told to shush. Its resilience and quest to be heard is extraordinary.

So tell me, what do you appreciate about yourself?

While you’re thinking, I’ll be in the kitchen refilling my water glass.